Green

Do you know it? That pressure and burning in the sinuses, that excess saliva and swallowing, that mistiness, that rise and swell when immense longing floods your soul? Problem - for me at least envy produces the same response, and too often lately it's been the hideous shadow plaguing my thoughts. Ever ready it's been to swoop into a happy moment and shower it with bitter drops of sorrow. Although not the easiest thing to do, I lift my umbrella of will repeatedly, shielding my head from those unpleasant, stinging drops. My arms ache from the frequency of these lifts.

I wonder a lot now, how long before the statute of limitations expires on my bad choices? Could I find in diligent search, an expiration date on my regrets? Do prisoners feel the same way? Certainly they must, if they have any spark of consciousness in them. Surely twenty years on the other side of some heinous crime done in youthful stupidity or passionate rage, some prisoners think of nothing else. You'd think I'd have no time for such introspection; most days here are so swamped with tasks and demands. But true to the female stereotype I suppose, even whilst I sing, walk, cook, drive, clean, bathe, and almost everything else, my mind's equally busy. Shame on me,  as I'm supposed to be turning away from introspection and focusing on Christ, per my counselor's orders.

A few quotes I'd like to share, from the book I'm reading also as part of my counseling, "Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ" by John Piper:

"The healing of the soul begins by restoring the glory of God to its flaming, all-attracting place at the center."

"Sheer existence is, perhaps, the greatest mystery of all. Back, back, back we peer into the endless ages, yet there never was nothing."

"Therefore Christ has never been gloomy.from eternity he has been the mirror of God's infinite mirth."

"Jesus Christ defines reality in the beginning and gives it form every second."

"The Pacific Ocean may have a thousand squalls, but from a hundred miles in the air it is one great, deep, calm, and glorious mass of replenishing water."

"Grant us that we would rejoice in hope even when present circumstances bring us to tears."

"So Christ is a lamb-like lion and a lion-like lamb. That is his glory - an admirable conjunction of diverse excellencies."

Sorry, went a bit crazy on the quotes. But that's just me so oh well. Ever the bookworm, and reading it does make my mind work harder than most things so banishes the naughty introspection indulgence. :) One amongst many benefits of Grandpa watchdog duty. Ruff ruff, I say, smiling. You should hear my bark. Sent a kennel full of dogs into a frenzy once.

Perhaps it's dangerous to be so...me in such a public forum. Hmmm.

So...back to the envy thing from paragraph one. Earlier today my sinuses worked overtime and even while I confess and repent to this I'll share it. Perhaps just so a friend gets reminded how richly she's blessed. Upon her green hill, below the level where horses and cattle grazed beside the rippling pond, beneath ginormous, angry clouds, above the level where goats, calves, chickens, rabbits, dogs and innumerable insects hopped and strolled about the breathtaking valley, I basked and gaped and turned an unflattering shade of green. So lucky she, I thought, to walk outside home and be here. And see this.
I spotted in her sweet laughing kids, running carefree past picture upon picture of their brief but happy lives, no burdened undertone like that I spot in my son. No grief over the death of image, passing on of illusion, of perfection, of ideal family. Destiny seems to hold for them a cheerier fate. I hope for them, this is indeed so. And now that my skin's back to pale I can honestly rest overjoyed that she, so deserving of it, has found and indeed, established through hard labor, such a life.

Another introspection begs answering: "Was I too idle?" What have I to show for computer game victories and season premieres and finales and fashion magazine articles? Had that time been spent in overtime, or better yet, in Scripture, or in company of friends, or long walks alone down city streets, what would I have to show? Perhaps had I been writing letters and emails instead, my friendships would be stronger. Or in housework, my practice would've made perfect and it'd come easier and more efficient now. What profit do these musings bring? Only the chance to do better tomorrow. So to evidence wisdom here goes the push of "Publish Post" and up off this blue chair I go to find more profitable occupation. Ciao.

Blessings, V