Improvement

Someone blessed me today, offering something my brother's car (my only means of transportation) needed desperately, for 1/4 the price I would've expected to pay. Her generosity came with a smile miles-wide, illuminating her kind spirit. Thank God for people like her, and would that I would make more of an effort to adopt her attitude.

  A very different me, roughly some decade ago, emerged during my 8 1/2 years lived in Tampa - a coarse, rude, obnoxious, overbearing, loud person I'd very much like to forget. Sometimes, I see glimpses of her returning and do my best to banish those aspects of me, but I'm sure at times I don't even know it's happening, and I feel sorry for those of you subject to that me when it does. What a monster, she, and good riddance if I manage to banish her forever. What are generosity or kindness or acts of mercy when accompanied by scathing sarcasm, razor-sharp tongue, or pitiful negativity? I think they're like sweet, delicious candy that shocks you with a nasty aftertaste, lingering on your tongue long after the sweetness is gone. If you think I'm too sweet for the sarcasm, sharp tongue or negativity, you don't know me very well.

  When in counseling, I described once how it felt to be in that period of my life - I was facing myself truly for the first time and shedding light on all my faults at once, or so it seemed. It was like being in a cluttered room, looking around frantically, frustrated because I didn't know where to even begin at cleaning it all up. Now, some 18+ months later, I wonder how much of it I've simply let slip into the darkness again. But my counselor advised me at the time, just to say to God, "Thank you for pointing that out to me. I'll get to it, but I'm working on this right now." I suppose that was pretty sound advice. Perfection's not within my grasp, and I will probably only do a half-hearted job at self-improvement if I give every fault and flaw, bad habit and weakness just a little attention. Better to attack one or two at a time head-on, show 'em who's boss, and then (if the battle's won) move on to the next. I have been doing that with a few of them, but find too often that, soon as I think I have them well in hand and turn toward the next, they rear up their ugly heads and bite me again. :) Thank God He's not done with me yet, and that I don't have only myself to lean on or only my strength to walk in.

  Off to bed with me, as I welcome in another Saturday sat freezing alone in my living room. Blessings on all my dear readers, and goodnight.

-V